my veritable dumping ground

daddy dearest

2005-10-25T01:22:05Z

I finally emailed my father as it's getting ridiculous that we're not talking because he's angry, and not because we just don't keep in contact. The first email I wrote was vague, and simply asked what was going on. He replied with "you tell me what's going on." So I wrote again, saying I felt slighted as he hadn't contacted me and that I thought he was upset with me, but that I needed his help in understanding the situation. He responded with:

"I don't believe that you don't understand what the problem is, and until you acknowledge it, the problem won't go away.

Dad"

So, I don't know what to do about that, and it's really really upsetting me. I feel like I gave him an opportunity to tell me what he felt was "wrong" or what actions of mine he felt needed an apology, or whatever he wants!, and instead of seeing it as that he turns it around and expects me to I don't know what! Apologize for my actions without him first identifying which bothered him. And what if I don't? Is he going to continue to ignore me for the rest of his life because we exchanged snotty emails? Really, what the hell am I supposed to think? I just don't get how that could amount to this . .. I really don't.

I HATE MONEY

2005-10-22T02:36:47Z

We all do, this is nothing new, I realize that . . . it seems it's made a liar out of my roommate, in the worst kind of way. Just the other day she told me not to worry about the food in the house as I still haven't had a first pay chack yet, and now I'm told, though not to me directly. through my husband that it's a problem. And she's the one who FREAKED when she thought people were trying to deal with her "issues" not directly with her but through her bf. I could scream .. . no, I don't have the energy.

Before my three hour nap this afternoon after getting home from work I have had 6-8 hours of sleep over the past five nights. Yes that's right, from sunday night to today . . . I was so fucked up last night. Not on any intoxicants! I was an emotional basket case, complete with shaking nearly on the scale of mild convulsions. I was losing it, seriously, the only thing that helped me retain the slight bit of sanity I did last night (wee hours of the morning, that is) was my poor dolly. Gotta go now though . . .

another day . . .

2005-10-20T01:19:48Z

another dollar . . . well, more than one thankfully . . . and finally, really.

Today started out pretty crummy as I was SO tired. Spent the majority of last night in the emergency room because husband here still hasn't had his tooth pulled and it was super painful last night. He can't afford it though, it's not as though he's just not doing it. Bad enough for them to prescribe percs . . . the look in his eyes, wow. I don't think I have ever wanted to save some one so much . . . and when I got off work today he had been up only a short while and jsut taken a pill so it hadn't kicked in yet. That look was back, though not as bad. I'm so glad of that, I nearly cried so many times jsut looking at him. He waited for SEVEN HOURS! Can you believe that?? SEVEN HOURS!!! It was horrible, but I wasn't there the whole time, though I wanted to be.

Got an email from sheena, and it seems things are turned around, back to good that is. I was worried there for a while, it's nice to have that lifted off my shoulders. Though not the first time, it's hard every time when something in that relationship goes wonky.

Sa's been . . . woah, I don't know the word. Loving and expecting love of that kind from me and it's hard. I still haven't told him I'm married but I won't do it in an email. I would like to wait until the paperwork is done, or at least in the works actaully. He and his family won't get the whole married but not yet legally thing. I don't want to have to explain it either, so waiting feels good. He says he misses me, a lot, and wants to experience a day of old even for a moment . . . so sad in one way. He won't listen to reason though, so what can I do? He seems well, and that's great, as a side note.

I wrote to essay-boy yesterday. It was the first time I have done so since arriving back in kamloops. I wrote it hopeful but not at all expecting a reply. He wrote me back today though, and that's so nice. I am so happy he's in my life. Such a valuable friend, ah yes. Hahaha, I'll write him tomorrow if I have the energy.

I have so much to say, but I have to go to sleep now . . . then I can wake up when my dolly gets home and spend at least an hour with him before trying to sleep again to wake up so early .. . blech!

MY veritable dumping ground

2005-10-18T07:28:48Z

Just thought I'd emphasize that for . . . fun. haha, no, my journal was ferreted out and I figured if that was read it'd get a rise, tee hee. Only playing girl, if you're even reading.

So today was my first day of training and I was late .. . by an hour and a half! oops! Not exactly my fault though I'm not laying blame on anyone else. The alarm clock was shoved in between the couch cushions . . . by some one who will remain nameless . . . with the snooze button held down so it didn't go off until I reached over the warm body next to me and pulled it out to see how long I had been lying awake . . . RING RING RING . . . oh fuck! it's after seven, WTF??? haha, but my trainer was great about it, and laughed as I blamed it on my husband, so that's great. The first day has officially been filed away in my mind as the one to work out the kinks, so it's okay. I found a girl to carpool with now, and that's great as the buses don't run that early (have to be there for six am) and it's way way too far to walk. The taxi this morning was nearly twelve dollars! twelve dollars!! Who could possibly afford that? Geez. I only had enough money for one more taxi and that would have been tuesday morning's fare, but instead I was able to buy some food, a much better way to spend the eight dollars I did, and still have a few left over!

Hmm, what else? Oh, my father has neglected to reach me on my birthday this year. Not the bigest deal but it's surely unusual for him. Not only that but the last ocmmunication we had was writing snarky emails to each other this summer. I am very surprised as it's been almost two weeks since the day, and he's always always reached me. I'm upset, but more that anything I'm offended and disappointed that it only took a snarky email to put him off that much, but what can I do? To be honest, after being ignored, all I want form him is a birthday check. Fifty dollars could sure go a long way right now, a long long way. I have to be patient, or else suck it up and write to him, but that'll take a lot longer than two weeks. If I don't cave by then we'll see if he leaves me alone at christmas . . . yeah . . . meh.

Well my boy should be home anytime, and I'm going to fix myself a little something to munch on before he gets here . . . as I am plannig to try to rape him once he gets in the door . . . tee hee . . . then try to sleep some as I have to be up by five! gross . . .

To be expected, I guess

2005-10-05T06:17:48Z

Unfortunately sheena was far far less than supportive when I told her . .. best friend that she is . . . yeah. Oh well. I got off the phone and thought to myself "meh, that doesn't take away form it one bit." It is sad for my relationship with her though, that even if she can't be supportive even if she doesn't understand . . . but oh well. We'll see how it goes . . .

Okay, want to go cuddle with . . . my husband! wheeee!

EDIT: I wimped out on calling my mother after that . .. I'll wait on it for a bit and see what I want to do and say.

now the tricky part

2005-10-05T00:51:55Z

I am going to tell my mother that I've been married (that's what it is after all) but don't quite know how . . . umm . . . I'm going to call her after I call sheena, hopefully I'll be more prepared somehow after that . . . I think I'll do it tonight. Maybe right after I go pee . . . yeah, that sounds good.

And my father? well, he ncan just find out later like he does everything else in my life . . . let's see if he even tries to get a hold of me for my birthday first.

but mmmmm, this feels so good. It's perfect, with it's imperfections it's perfect.

seering flesh

2005-10-04T10:23:31Z

I now have a medium to large sized brand on my chest . . . three seperate irons!! . .. so does btb . . .

The most intense experience of my life because of all the emotional weight it carried along with the severity of the pain.

Absolutely worth it . . . and the tears shed. Maybe somedoy I'll post a pic . . .

wow, how sweet it is

2005-10-02T19:30:41Z

My mother came through for me in a really big way and because of her kindness I am now in kamloops . . . away from insanity, and right in the most welcoming arms, ever.

Btb and I talked, a lot last night, about everything to do with "us", whether we are a "we" or not, and all the whys. We talked about everything from kids to school to work to music to tattoos and all our crazy fucked up problems. We tlaked about it all and decided it's what we want. And once we made the commitment we both ecided there was no way out now . . . ever . . . haha. We both now have the full intention of making this a "for the rest of our lives", but without the white wedding that that implies. Oh god how good this feels!

Yeah, we're going to "seal the deal" somehow . . . maybe a with a brand, haha, that'd be great.

Okay, so my time is nearly up . . . gotta run before I get kicked off . . .

I thought I knew what disappointment was

2005-09-30T16:19:30Z

Today, already at roughly 9:00am, is one of the worst days ever.

I woke up nice and early, was in the LR office at prompty 7:30 only to find out they had no work today, and GINSENG IS CANCELLED. I felt nothing right after I was told. It took my walk home to fully sink in. I got in took off my hat and purse and started to sob. A tearless violent shaking that dropped me to the floor. I still can't cry, and that makes the cutlery drawer so much more appealing.

I had horrible dreams last night, a cannibal trying to feed me flesh while holding me captive in the most bizarre of circumstances, and my friend's mother (a woman I consider nearly family, but better) was unwilling to help me escape. I don't want to get into it though.

So, I'm rather fucking dejected, to say the least. I feel so alone, and so stupid. That's what I get for putting all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. It feels ominous, but I know that's not true, there's no meaning in it, it's jsut a string of bad events.

Now I'm going to beg btb to let me go up there without saving up and if I don't get that call centre job I'll leave there and come back here to save up before returning. I won't really beg, but I have to ask. I just can't go on like this. The nightmares are getting worse, and I'm simply not doing well at all.

I seriously don't know how long I can do this without completely losing my mind. How long I can keep it together, how long I can stay alfoat, how long I can keep fucking breathing while here . . . I want some one to come here and beat me, beat me so badly I lose consciousness . . . but please, please just keep on beating.

no sex no sex

2005-09-29T23:34:10Z

la la-la la-la la . . .

Btb and I decided that though we're still not officially in a "relationship", as in not committed, not in it for the long-haul just yet, we both want to have rules now. I like this development very much, it feels that much closer to coming to a place where we can decide to fully be together. That wouldn't make sense right now of course, not while we're living apart and interacting primarily through text.

It was sad how this decision came about though. He suggested it, and once he did that I knew I had to tell him I had already, well, you know, slept with some one else. He was always so adamant about having no rules because he wanted to keep from being attached that I thought for sure once I left he'd have girls over. Hell, he even made some comment about how he guessed it would be weird for me if he brought them over, WHILE I WAS THERE! Yeah, I guess it would be!! So, though he professed that's how he wanted things he confessed that his "heart sank" when I told him. God damn it, I felt like such scum. I think I felt worse because a part of the reason I even slept with essay-boy this time was to be okay with having no rules, so that when I heard about the girls btb brough home I wouldn't be hurt . . . yeah, instead I just go and hurt him, well done me! Anyway, he tried for a while to console me about it, and tried to take the whole thing back saying it was better if we just keep on the way we were. I truly want things to progress for us though, even though I did that. So, now I believe he's totally fine with it, and, well, despite the fact that it was brutal to get here a really good thing came of it. I simply can't wait to be moved in up there!

Oh, and a sad thing that happened when talking about moving up there: Btb said he wasn't fully convinced I was coming. He can't find it in him to believe me fully, he's too scared of being let down. God that kills me. I haven't exactly shown him I want to be up there either, what with only working so little so far and now that he knows I was with some one else . . . I can only imagine how much that's helped convince him. But he's sure not shy about telling me just how much he wants me there . .. and it really seems like it's as much as I want to be there. How perfect. So tomorrow no matter how little sleep I get, I'll be in the labour ready office at seven thirty, hopefully they'll have some girly job like folding laundry for me . . .

GRRRRR!!! RAGE!!!!

2005-09-27T22:30:10Z

I hate this fucking god damned city because of:

1. The idiots who drive around in thier mommy and daddy's bright yellow SUV who:

2. Blare the worst fucking music ever! wearing their hats sideways, and:

3. Shout lyrics at ME to one of those stupid fucking songs while I merely cross the street!! Something about "fuck you dyke blah blah blah fuck you DYKE!!!"

Yeah, okay, let's play pretend, shall we? I prefer cunts to cocks, SO FUCKING WHAT?? Because I don't want you to stick your dick in me you're angry?? Because I'm not wearing pink you have to shout at me?? What the fuck is that all about?? I am oh so fucking sorry that my OUTFIT has upset the delicate balance on which your manhood (read: lack there of) rests!! Or maybe I'm just sorry you're so god damned insecure with your own sexuality!

So, you go ahead and shout you little insults at me, you ignorant fucks, but do it to my face next time, and not while driving away in mommy's car . . . see who's fucking laughing then. A kick to the teeth will teach you to better choose your targets.

One of these days I'm going to snap and kill someone . . . in that situation I simply can't muster the compassion required to supress my immediate blind rage.

even more boy rambling

2005-09-27T08:09:52Z

A few days ago btb and I were talking about my friend's suicidal talk and tendencies, and how that was scaring me. Then we talked about another of my friends' suicide, and then just about suicide in general. How the path of the down trodden has been so well, over trodden really. How we've both walked that path and can be so easily sucked down it when others are there. (Ah! So that's what he meant nearly a year ago when he said I reminded him of how he used to be, and that he couldn't be around me so much because of it . . . it finally makes sense now.) His perspective, his words, all of it was wonderfully uplifting and we were laughing by the end of the conversation, having seen the folly in it; having seen the folly in life and death and the quest for both. And on and on. I ended up crawling right up on him in an easy chair and staying curled up there for a while that night, and wasn't sure how that was going to affect me, or anything else . . . I'm going to miss spending time with him when I'm no longer in this city, but indulgingg in his friendship will make the time while ginseng harvesting go by faster, not while actually working, but I mean the time between now and moving to kloops.

So, he came with me to btb's show last night. He and a friend of his. It was hialrious, his friend was hitting on me some, which though a compliment for sure, could have made for a rather weird dynamic, but it wasn't awkward, and that was perfect, obviously. It was great hanging out with btb and essay-boy together. I was curious how they interacted, and now I know. I wasn't sure how I was going to divide my attention, but while the night went on I didn't even think about it. I was in the moment, and that rarely happens. I'm always thinking in advance, it's exhausting, but it was so simple. It was so simple, and so good. They are really cute together, and I love love love it when people I like as much as both of them individually also like each other so much too. So much love going around.

The show was fun, didn't sound the best as the band didn't have feedback monitors and it was so brightly lit as it was a sports bar, eww, but still one got a feel for the sound, style, and maybe even the potential the show could have had . . . maybe. Princess, btb's most recent ex, was there and she was so nice to me. I mean SO nice. Offered to buy me a drink, gave me a hug as a greeting and in parting, sat right next to me as often as not though she had multiple friends there, etc. Even saying "it was awesome to see you again." when I was leaving. I really can't tell if she likes me or fucking hates me. Btb has said that she likes to "kill people with kindness" and that's not hard for me to believe. I can't figure her out, but I suppose I don't have to.

Btb was going to stay at a bandmate's place but decided to impose upon essay-boy instead. It turned out that wasn't really going to work out so well. Btb got sleepy first and had to go crash in the backseat of essay-boy's car. A VW jetta, very small for anyone much less a boy over six feet tall! The three of us left hung out some more, and then essay-boy's friend (who's staying at the house) went to bed. So, essay-boy went to fetch btb some blankets and a pillow and I snatched them from him upon his return so that I might do the tucking in, to essay-boy's chagrin "I wanted to tuck him in." Aww, how fucking cute is that?

I was going to return and talk more with essay-boy as he and I were both wide awake, but ended up curling up with btb . . . yeah, that's right, we shared the oh so small backseat! How we managed I still don't really know. I love it though; that we both wanted to sleep next to each other enough to put up with the discomfort and cold. And it was sure cold! He didn't sleep much, (the discomfort, cold, and my insomnia to deal with, no wonder!) and I didn't at all. We got up and left at seven to go get some coffee. He caught the bus to go far far away (back home) a few minutes after eight. It was sad, and I didn't want him to go. I tried to convince him not to, but it was a fruitless battle and I knew it before I started it. Had to try though, and it would have been swell had I won! It was great to see him again, but it makes me feel more lonely now. It would have almost been better no to see him for that reason, but only almost.

My sleeping pill is kicking in I think . . . I hate these fucking things . . .

more boy rambling

2005-09-25T08:29:00Z

That's all I seem to have to talk about lately, hopefully that'll change soon enough. Maybe once I'm settled in a town, which ever one that ends up being. I don't want to lose myself in this nonsense. Having said that, the following is my next addition in my boy talk series.

So, btb is coming for a show tomorrow evening, or this evening if you want to be picky about it. Either way, I'm excited to see him, yes I am. Essay-boy and I are going to go together to watch, and that's sure funny. It's been a while since they've seen each other, btb and essay-boy that is, so it'll be a nice little reunion I'm sure. I'll want to leave them alone so thay can talk and whatnot but btb is here for such a short time I might just be selfish and not do that, we'll have to see. Now that I think about it, that would leave them opportunity to talk about yours truly, and that's scary indeed!

I fixed up a pair of old old boots tonight so that I can wear my kilt tomorrow, if I feel like it then. I am now a veritable shoemaker. I want to look nice and hot! haha. As fucking usual, god damn it!! haha, kidding of course.

Anyway, I may have more to say about this after the show, it could get rather funny indeed. At least now I know that I won't be making googly eyes at them both . .. nope, they're reserved for btb right now, haha. Too funny. (maybe)

Going to take a sleeping pill and drift off, I hope . .. god damn it I hate them.

my refuge has been

2005-09-22T09:55:00Z

taken away . . .

I've been staying on essay-boy's couch the last few nights, but his moma (yes, he lives at his mother's house) asked me very kindly earlier today if I had anywhere else to stay as her place has been a zoo of people as of late. A totally fair request that I understand completely, I just don't want to, waaa!! haha. I'm back at sa's, and it's going well, and that's nice. Tomorrow I'll sort through my stuff that's here and make a big big pile to give away, or burn! but either way must get rid of so much junk. I can't be this transient and have so much stuff, it's ridiculous.

Had a really good talk with btb today too.

We talked about me moving there, and he said I can just go whenever, that I don't have to save much up or anything, and that's awesome! I think I really want to do this ginseng harvesting thing though, at least for a week or two if not all three. Depends on how the first few days go I guess. Either way, it doesn't start until wednesday of next week, at least that's when it's supposed to start now. It has been bumped from monday to wednesday, so that could happen again. I wanted to go to vancouver to get more stuff before moving, but I might wait now. This way I don't have to pay back my debts in vancouver until I go, which means I can go to kloops sooner and less broke, both good things.

He mentioned he missed an old ex a lot tonight, and that was hard to hear. We talked about it some, and it doesn't have me worried, but it sure did when he first said it. I am so glad he'll talk to me about that stuff though, I appreciate honesty and when people are upfront. It turns out he's lonely, tired of being alone, and thinking about "past love and companionship", to steal his words, and that's sweet. He equated it with sam, and I nearly bit his head off, then he did the same with essay-boy, and I shut the hell up and understood exactly what he meant. Though I'm not pining for essay-boy, not in the slightest, I do think back and miss some of it. And of course I do, that's human. I do that with sam too, but it's different because of where my head is right now. So, that ex was talking about going to visit him, and that kind of makes me want to rush there, in case she does show up. If she visited and he told me they weren't going to get back together I'd believe him and not fret at all. If he told me he wasn't sure, I'd probably think twice about moving up there at all, even once she left. Right now it doesn't matter either way, since she's not there.

I found out that his most recent ex, we'll call her princess, the one that he was with when we met, thought he dumped her for me and was really upset about it. That's not the case at all, and it's a little bit sad. At first she thought he dumped her for his roommate B, SO not the case, and then I guess since I've been at his shows and she knew I was staying at his place in kamloops for a few weeks she got the impression we were dating. Nope. Not so much. At all. haha. So, he said something about not being too affectionate when I saw him at the show, and when I questioned him he said to forget it. When I pressed him he said that it was really upsetting princess. Apparently she asked him about it. I asked him what that mattered to him, because really, the possessive part of me wants very much to be able to be affectionate in public. It turns out he wants to maintain a friendship with her and doesn't want to hurt her unnecessarily, and neither do I so that's easy to accomodate. I was so glad to hear it was that and not something else, something like she's on the back burner. At the end of that talk he said to simply do what I wanted, affection wise, and he could deal with it after, which I liked hearing and it makes me want to make things easy for him. What a lucky guy. And a lucky princess too.

He asked me about essay-boy, and if I was getting attached again. I told him before I left that that possibility worried me, and I wasn't sure if I was going to contact him while I was here because of it. He knew I was staying at his place and spending oodles of time with him, so it must have been on his mind because of that. I like that he thinks about that. When I told him no I couldn't gauge his sentiment on it, though I imagine he was glad to hear it. It reminded me, when he asked, about me telling him a bit ago I felt a little insecure not dating (no commitment) because of how god damned many females he meets at performances. He said to me then that he thought to himself that I had a lot of male friends and it crossed his mind as a potential hazard too. As much as he may not want to admit it, he can be just as god damned possessive as me. How validating. I guess the difference is that he met me while he was dating another girl, and look at us now, and they aren't dating anymore. Though he broke off with her for reasons other than me, it's weird timing anyway. I suppose the same could be said of me though. It just so happened that my growing apart so much from sa happened as I was getting to know btb. Hmm, maybe it really did have something to do with each other for both of us, it seems too strange now that I think about it for us both to have transitioned away, even though we were already both into the transition . . . hmm, will surely be thinking about that some more.

The rest of the conversation was lighter, and rather funny at times. I could go on, but I've already rambled so much I just may end up deleting this post! Thank god he doesn't have an lj. If he did, where oh where could I vent all this out?

good advice not taken, I hope not.

2005-09-19T09:53:40Z

Despite some sane advice in my madness I indulged myself and now have the consequences to reap. So far there are none, and I hope that's how it stays, however that doesn't often happen.

I was fretting about camping out with essay-boy. Fretting because that situation would invite physical intimacy, obviously, but now I don't have to worry anymore as it seems we didn't need that situation at all to, well, you get the idea. So, emotionally I'm fine with it, and believe that that will not change, which is a relief, but now to figure out what this means in consideration of btb. And they are friends, and that's just a whole pile of REALLY FUCKING ODD for me.

Essay-boy and I talked some about all of it, which is nice. I told him that btb and I aren't dating but have talked about it, and that it was an odd situation because they were friends even though I know it's not like either of them are about to run to the other with details of our encounters. I just don't want to feel as though I'm holding back any information from either of them, and I don't want either of them to feel I am either. I don't imagine I'll tell btb unless asked. I would absolutely not lie about it! but since we have established that we have no rules, there's no reason to mention it. I don't think anything will come of it, anything negative that is. Time will tell. My only real concern at this point is this fucking up whatever potential there is between btb and I. Again, time will tell.

last evening's conclusions

2005-09-17T20:15:01Z

So the train has brought me back to where I thought one track could never lead. Having left the last rest stop I can more easily see the effort required in staying afloat on a bog of pain, of sorrow, and one of united isolation. I see this because I see it here also. My surprise is misplaced.
Essay-boy said something about wanting to dive back into the rapture of our former interactions. He says this now, when I was finally believing I was nearly finished "getting over" him.

Unlike my bones I do not think I am ultimately better off alone. My mind would have me believe it is not better off but cannot help pushing people away. My heart, my core, my self, wants nothing more than an object to crave. Not just any object, and one that I can crave forever.
Btb warns me that he's poison, I don't want to listen. Essay-boy doesn't want to but must run, and this time I can't forget that. And me, well, I'm rather clingy.

Cutting the lines of a safety net is far easier once identified as such, though no less frightening. Knowing I can return to the illusion of a home is comforting, even when the suggestion of doing so is infuriating.
I took off the seahorse he gave me the other day. It's sitting on the table over there, and it haunts me a little. I love it, so much, but it is such a strong symbol of our former "relationship" that it had to come off . . . at least for now. I had to borrow money though, still can't "make it" without him, fuck, that's exactly what I didn't want to happen!

work plan 1:
If I can get a tent, or if he can, essay-boy and I are going to go camp on an apple orchard and pick pick pick our little hearts out.
It would be a hell of a lot of fun, even if emotionally dangerous. That is, after all, how it all started between the two of us. It wouldn't be exactly the best way to show btb I want to be with him exclusively (oh god am I really saying that's what I want? oh god.), but at the same time it would show him how comfortable I am with the idea of the two of us being friends, or rather friends who sleep together and act exactly like we're dating but aren't because there are no rules and there is no commitment. But, I met btb through essay-boy, and btb knows I fell for essay-boy and that it was hell getting over him. He also knows it was only recently that I got over him. I'm not sure if he cares, but I think a part of him must . . . and they're friends, and frineds talk, of course. I already heard from btb that essay-boy had mentioned me, quite a few times in fact, and that's strange for me. I've never "dated" for lack of a better term, friends before. I find it rather unsettling.

work plan 2:
To harvest ginseng for eight hours a day, getting paid for ten because of travel (which is provided).
Not sure of the pay rate, but even if it was $8/hr (which it's not, it's more) and I got taxed to hell and then had to pay some for transportation also I'd still end up with say $60 a day. It's for a minimum of three weeks, could last longer, but only if I want to stay on that long at all of course. So let's see, if it's a monday to friday thing (don't know) making sixty a day for three weeks, that's $900. That's enough to move back to kamloops, enough to go to van first and get my stuff and everything. I actaully found out that if I buy my ticket two weeks ahead of time it's only $32 to get to van form here, and only $32 to get to kloops from there . . . perfect! I can even pay off my debts to people too, and won't that be wonderful!!?!? And, who's to say I can't stay on longer if it lasts that long, or pick apples after that for a bit if in fact it's not enough.

potential third plan:
Though this is still rather hypothetical, I have been emailing back and forth with a woman in kamloops about a job there. Starting at $11/hr. Not something I'd like to do forever, it's in an inbound call centre helping people with internet problems. It would be fun to have a job where I sit on my ass and get paid decently for a change! And though it's rather frustrating dealing with people, it could prove funny/even maybe fun too. So, hopefully that will pan out.

Now to email murm about a tent . . . oh please let her be happily willing to lend it to me . . . and let essay-boy not back out of our tentative plan. (or maybe it would be better if he did in the long run, but fuck that, you have to live, you know?)

A home of bone and tattooed flesh

2005-09-13T01:53:44Z

Today was one of the worst days.

I was in a horrid mood and trying not to be, though completely tolerated despite my darkened demeanor. Not only tolerated but still wanted as company, so really that should be a good thing. Still feels bad though. So much insecurity in my head. No rules, no commitment, that's the difference right now, and that's all. I can do that, though I'd like it better with no rules and a commitment. While away I'll wonder what rules, if the traditional ones were in place, are being broken. It makes me want to break them myself, just in case they are from the other end. How silly really.

I still don't feel like I'm really coming back. I think that's because people go away, always, they go away. So why would this be any different? That's what my insecurities say. I told him that today; a big part of the reason I'm feeling so insecure is that people always go away from me so it's hard to believe he won't. We were lying together when that was said, and he took my hand, squeezing it and saying "I won't ditch you . . . (pause...) I promise." Then he squeezed again. Perfect, perfect, perfect response. Almost made me cry because it was exactly what I needed and wanted to hear. That should make me feel good too. But I'm blah again.

We were talking last night or the night before and I was telling him how great it felt to be able to be myself and not have to censor so much of what is in my mind. We talked a lot about that actually, and at one point he wrapped his arms around me, we were lying on the couch again, and he sweetly said "Welcome home." Again, I almost cried. The only place I've ever been able to feel at home is in the arms of a few along the way, and it was always I who was telling them I felt at home. This time a home was built for me and I was pulled inside. A home of bone and tattooed flesh, with some one holding the door open and waiting to lock it forever, if it is a fitting home after all.

By the time we split for the evening (work does that) we had been lying together and talking for a while, as I mentioned, and I even fell asleep for a few minutes. When I woke my spirits were high, it was lovely. I crawled off the couch and playfully curled up again in a new position. I was my old self indeed.

Went out for a bit and by the time I returned my mood had also returned back to sour, and that is currently where I sit. In vinegar, and alone. I was at the coffee shop trying to write, eat cookies, and of course, smoke and drink my coffee. Trying is the operative word as the most annoying girl was there, being loud and flamboyant and impossible to ignore. I ended up leaving FAR earlier than I was ready to, and bitterly at that. Her name is amber, ambrosia is either the long form or just a nickname. I won't forget it, or her, or my growing desire to stab her in the face. I've seen her around, it's a small town after all, and before she was funny, to laugh at of course, but today . . . today I wanted her to choke and die, right there in front of me so I could once again laugh at her. Yeah, that's right. I mean every word. I want her to die in front of me, slowly, and frightened. So what?

I'm too long winded, I need a nap, that may just solve all of my problems . . . I wish.

plans unchanged

2005-09-11T17:38:08Z

Tried to resist posting as most things I have to say are redundant, but simply cannot. Too funny.

After talking a couple more times about leaving and coming back, and obligations, and dating, and all of that, I feel really good about btb. Not too many negative thoughts floating around my head now, and that is a welcome change for the better! Nothing is different really, but I guess I've heard enough times now that he wants me to return that I believe it. Not only that, but that he's not going to find some girl to fall for while I'm gone. I really had a hard time believing that one, but I'm pretty sure I do, though one can never be certain about those kinds of things.

Two things.
Number one:
We were having one of the aforementioned talks, about leaving and coming back. We were sitting on the floor, and my head was in his lap while he was distractedly searching for stuff online. I said something about how I was worried things would change while I was gone, and the conversation moved from there and got to him saying that we'd keep in touch while I was gone. He had his arm resting over me, and his hand on my back when he said "you better [keep in touch]" then grabbed my hair, and looked at me gripping it and pulling my head back a bit saying "or else I'll kill you". Then he rubbed my head and looked at me sweetly for a short bit . . . awww. He's kidding of course, but I like his pretend possessiveness . . . makes a gal feel all wanted and stuff, haha. At least this gal. Speaking of possessiveness, I am pretty damn sure btb would be so in a relationship . . . not controlling though, and I like it, a lot.

Number two:
Twice now, count 'em, twice, he's referred to me as "love". In the sense of "thanks, love" and "it's okay, love"(that second time was really cute timing as I was sad and he was comfortimg me). Not a big deal really, especially since he uses terms of endearment pretty liberally, well some of them, but that one not at all. I haven't heard him use it with anyone else at all in fact. Though not a confession of his undying love for me, haha not at all! (that would be scary), I do think it's telling of an amorous emotion, and that I quite like.

I'm a little excited to go away and then come back to live here. REunions are always fun, but that's not why. It'll be nice to set up a life here . . . and not just be a puppy dog. I'm SO NOT just a puppy dog right now, but more so than I will be when I get a job and all of that. Rent will be SO cheap, much much cheaper than when I was in van, and that's awesome. I'll get a membership to the Y here right away so I can go to the gym and the pool, and that'll give me something to do other than sit around and wait for btb also. I'm really going to make sure that I keep some of myself for myself this time around, if it comes to that. I am probably going to join a class of some sort or take lessons of some sort, maybe I'll see what the Y has to offer. It's so close to walk to, it's awesome. I've never been able to before because of living expenses, but rent will be under one fifty!! Then there's bills, but they'll be split four ways, so at most altogether it'll cost 200 to live. Another 100 - 150 for food and smokes (that's being generous as my food costs nearly nothing) and there you have it. Living, and well, for 350 after food and bills!! Wow! Now to find a job in ktown to save up and actaully get back here so I can start this! But first . . . a nap, hopefully to dream up how wonderfully this will all work out.

Big plans . . . now let's all watch them fall through together . . . they always do, after all . . .

leaving the loops

2005-09-08T22:25:18Z

I'll be leaving soon, rather soon to go back to kelowna to make some money and come back here. Still in limbo stage with all things surrounding this place and hte people in it but at least now I have a plan to come back. We'll see how it goes when I'm gone maybe btb will decide he doesn't want me to return after all, and maybe, though not bloody likely, I'll not want to come back. Stranger things have happened I suppose, but in truth I'd rather just not leave at all. Get my stuff mailed, everything but the big things anyway, and then get that stuff when I go back to van next, hmm . . . writing brings new ideas to my brain . .. new ideas I like. Must talk again, haha. Today, unlike yesterday/early last night things are easy. I still think too muich about stuff, but I like it when things are easy . . . and good . .. so good.

Must stop writing as btb will return any moment and wonder why i don't want him to read over my shoulder. haha.

went skating

2005-09-06T10:29:02Z

Well, I didn't skate but hung out at the skate park. We lit fires, tee hee, and I took pictures as the boys skated over the burning cardboard, nearly a whole roll of film, hmmm . . . hopefully they'll turn out okay, but there's no telling with my crummy camera. It was a pile of fun though, absolutely.

B ended up getting sick, again, and it's so hard to deal with. She's totally rad and all, but it's such a trigger for me . . . and also in another way it's a reverse trigger, which is totally good. But it's stress, stress I don't want at all, and she does so much of it to herself. Ah well, it's not my cross to bear, so I won't bear it, easy as that.

I wrote btb an email today, telling him something sweet, a rather profound sweet thing at that, and before he checked it (I don't know if he has even yet), but right after I sent it, he barked a sort of mean comment to me. It was funny really, but it could have been totally harsh if I wanted to take it that way. I know what he did and didn't mean, but it makes me regret my sweetness, though only in a spiteful way, and that never lasts. I like that I'm honest with him, totally so, and I'd rather that than be spiteful, that's for damn sure!! And I like that I'm sweet too. It was different than the usual sweetness of "oh, you're so cute, blah blah make me gag", and perhaps tomorrow I'll type it all out, but not tonight . . .

Now I get to listen to him play acoustic and sing some more, but this time quietly since it's late . . .

listen, listen hard

2005-09-05T20:56:00Z

I'm currently trying so hard not to listen too hard to btb playing acoustic guitar and singing. On the verge of tears I am, it's great in one way, but fucking tragic in another . . . his god damned voice, you have no idea . . . ugh . . . and even when it's not his song . ..

ugh, while cuddling

2005-09-04T07:18:09Z

Still in the loops, not too sure why or how long though. It's a strange thing being here with btb, while not in a relationship but acting as though we are. We've talked about the whole dating thing a couple of times now, but it's difficult since both of us are fucked when it comes to relationships. Not only that but he's got a very recent ex, who I hung out with at another of his shows . . . a little weirder this time! And there's sa to think about, maybe.

He's not sure, but he thinks she might be jealous/angry/sad/something towards him/me because he thought he was getting dirty looks among the friendliness, but she was peaches and roses to me. Apparently she likes to kill people with kindness, so who knows. She's cute, and was really nice, so I obviously have nothing against the girl, it was just weird. I thought to myself about how I'd feel if I were her knowing that I was going back to btb's place to stay for some time and all of that. She was unwilling to relocate to the town, and here I am, on a whim to hang out without even a relationship . . . I don't know, that would make me feel weird.

I'm currently cuddling with a rad chick in children's thermal batman pj bottoms . . . how fucking cute huh? She even wore them to the bar, what a doll. (and I so just got a kiss for writing that!)

Heard from sheena, after a few days of silence, and my requesting that we stay in frequent contact since we seem to fall apart when apart. Things are going really well for her right now, but then again, things never don't go well for her for long. The bitch, haha, not really. Se and her bf are working out well, and that's got her totally pumped. Sometimes I really miss being in a monogamous relationship . . . but that scares me. So I'll just stop thinking about it.

Also heard from heidi, the raddest chick that I worked with at the environmental organization. Her email was all fucked up for a while but now it's seemingly better. I miss her a whole pile and think that I should try to find a way t og oup and visit her. Maybe if I ever get a bike on the road! Fuck, this summer was supposed to be all about motocycles . . . what the fuck happened? oh yeah . . . israel drama, and that leads me to:

Israeli-boy is now trying to get to paris in a month, two months, or so to "see what he can make" of himself while there. I'm nearly thoroughly dejected. I thought he would be staying there to start school in january, but it seems those plans are falling through for him, through not fault of his own which is sad. So much for being able to stay with him and visit him while there, but maybe I'll jsut fucking take off to paris in the winter instead. Depending on things here of course. It's too bad, I really wanted to go visit my other frind there too, before his mind gets severly warped by the israeli military, but it doesn't seem like it possible now. So, I traded israel for btb's shit town . . . there are reasons for everything, and if not, why the fuck haven't I killed myself sooner??

Oh, speaking of that kind of shit, I've been having a hell of a time with eating lately, psychosomatic nausea and severe pain when I eat, it's fucking swell. Then when I do manage to keep a good amount of food down (a reasonably sized meal) I feel so swollen and bloated, it's really bad. Not only that, but I've been picking at my face again, wooo, special. And, to top it all off, it's been SO hard not to make new marks on my body, I am jsut still so stressed since ontario that everything is all fucked up in my god damned brain. I am having an awesome time here where I am, but there are little stressors too . . .

Leaving to go for a walk, right now!

stomach death

2005-09-02T18:49:07Z

I was doing really well with not being sick, but then, last night after eating some crackers I was thinking way too much about it and . . . yep, couldn't hold it down. I hate this. New plan is to just never eat again and then I don't have to feel sick, haha, I wish it were that easy.

I'm going to kelowna today, only for the night, then right back to btb's place. I'm hoping to get a hold of essay-boy as I mentioned, and maybe sa too. We'll see how it goes. I might end up just going to btb's performace and then to sa's to sleep to meet btb at the bus terminal the next morning to catch the bus home . .. it would be more fun though, to take essay-boy to btb's show, hehe, yes . .. but meh. Whatever happens happens.

I slept fairly well last night, close to four hours consecutively!! I was in bed a little before two, but was thoroughly exhausted by the time we actaully went to sleep. Oh! Btb's room is now in the living room instead of the bedroom, which is a little unfortunate, as one can imagine. His roommate has a bf so she ggot dibs on the room, but while I'm here it's going to be a bit annoying for sure . . . I mean, yeah sure it might be dark, but sound carries! Oh well, we will figure it out, or not, and either way it doesn't much matter, not really. I'll only be here for a couple of weeks (probably) (btb's suggestion I stay a couple weeks) then be off anyway . . . each day I spend here makes me want to leave just a little less. haha, how will it be in a couple of weeks? uh oh . . . hehe

after saturday's post . . .

2005-08-31T05:33:59Z

I got an email back from essay-boy today. He wanted to get together and talk, was "genuinely interested" in what I've been up to and such, and apparently could "benefit" from a chat with me . .. I was grinning like an idiot when reading, and after, and still now. It is nice to hear that from him even if it doesn't mean quite what it would have even as short as a month ago.

It's so funny, I am sitting here at btb's place, who I met through essay-boy, and my heart skips a beat hearing from him still, hahaha. I'm hoping to go back to ktown with btb for a show of his, and if that can happpen, it all depends on greyhound and their companion fares, then I'll try to see essay-boy then. Possibly with btb even, wouldn't that be funny. Btb knows that I "fell for" essay-boy. He doesn't know all the circumstances and details, but enough to notice my googly eyes, haha. I won't really know what to do, and essay-boy will notice a different kind of googly eyes pointed right at btb too . . . oh how funny, I almost have to make this work just to see how it feels. I wonder if btb would be jealous at all, or if I'd be able to tell he was. I would be if the roles were reversed, yep, just a little, but it would be there. Ooooooh, too funny an idea indeed. Please greyhound, I've practically lived on you this summer, don't let me down now!

So, we'll see what happens and if there are any funny stories to tell . . .

loopy loopy loops

2005-08-29T02:28:46Z

I left late yesterday afternoon for btb's place, where I currently am. So much for waiting until september second, haha. I said something about wanting to get out of ktown and he said to just come up now, and so I packed like a mother fucker and made the next bus. Nearly four hours on the stupid greyhound, yet again! I am practically living on the fucking bus this summer . . . oh well, what can you do?

After arriving I felt as though I shedded a huge burden. I am not fretting, and only enjoying myself, and that feels wonderful indeed. I've not fallen head over heels right away as I imagined I would, though there is still time, I really don't think it's going to play out like that. I was going to be clever and keep this mostly platonic, but, well, the road to hell is paved with good intentions I guess. I surely have no regrets! Indulging in things never having so done before; poetry, pure and simple.

"Hello self! Where have you been burried for so long??!? Welcome back, god how I've missed you without realizing!!" That's the internal dialogue in my brain right now, and it's great . . . indeed.

Now if only I could get some sleep . . .