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Monday, October 24th, 2005
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6:17 pm - daddy dearest
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I finally emailed my father as it's getting ridiculous that we're not talking because he's angry, and not because we just don't keep in contact. The first email I wrote was vague, and simply asked what was going on. He replied with "you tell me what's going on." So I wrote again, saying I felt slighted as he hadn't contacted me and that I thought he was upset with me, but that I needed his help in understanding the situation. He responded with:
"I don't believe that you don't understand what the problem is, and until you acknowledge it, the problem won't go away.
Dad"
So, I don't know what to do about that, and it's really really upsetting me. I feel like I gave him an opportunity to tell me what he felt was "wrong" or what actions of mine he felt needed an apology, or whatever he wants!, and instead of seeing it as that he turns it around and expects me to I don't know what! Apologize for my actions without him first identifying which bothered him. And what if I don't? Is he going to continue to ignore me for the rest of his life because we exchanged snotty emails? Really, what the hell am I supposed to think? I just don't get how that could amount to this . .. I really don't.
current mood:  deflated
current music: nin - something I can never have (acoustic)
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| Friday, October 21st, 2005
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7:37 pm - I HATE MONEY
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We all do, this is nothing new, I realize that . . . it seems it's made a liar out of my roommate, in the worst kind of way. Just the other day she told me not to worry about the food in the house as I still haven't had a first pay chack yet, and now I'm told, though not to me directly. through my husband that it's a problem. And she's the one who FREAKED when she thought people were trying to deal with her "issues" not directly with her but through her bf. I could scream .. . no, I don't have the energy.
Before my three hour nap this afternoon after getting home from work I have had 6-8 hours of sleep over the past five nights. Yes that's right, from sunday night to today . . . I was so fucked up last night. Not on any intoxicants! I was an emotional basket case, complete with shaking nearly on the scale of mild convulsions. I was losing it, seriously, the only thing that helped me retain the slight bit of sanity I did last night (wee hours of the morning, that is) was my poor dolly. Gotta go now though . . .
current mood:  bitchy
current music: live acoustic
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| Wednesday, October 19th, 2005
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6:01 pm - another day . . .
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another dollar . . . well, more than one thankfully . . . and finally, really.
Today started out pretty crummy as I was SO tired. Spent the majority of last night in the emergency room because husband here still hasn't had his tooth pulled and it was super painful last night. He can't afford it though, it's not as though he's just not doing it. Bad enough for them to prescribe percs . . . the look in his eyes, wow. I don't think I have ever wanted to save some one so much . . . and when I got off work today he had been up only a short while and jsut taken a pill so it hadn't kicked in yet. That look was back, though not as bad. I'm so glad of that, I nearly cried so many times jsut looking at him. He waited for SEVEN HOURS! Can you believe that?? SEVEN HOURS!!! It was horrible, but I wasn't there the whole time, though I wanted to be.
Got an email from sheena, and it seems things are turned around, back to good that is. I was worried there for a while, it's nice to have that lifted off my shoulders. Though not the first time, it's hard every time when something in that relationship goes wonky.
Sa's been . . . woah, I don't know the word. Loving and expecting love of that kind from me and it's hard. I still haven't told him I'm married but I won't do it in an email. I would like to wait until the paperwork is done, or at least in the works actaully. He and his family won't get the whole married but not yet legally thing. I don't want to have to explain it either, so waiting feels good. He says he misses me, a lot, and wants to experience a day of old even for a moment . . . so sad in one way. He won't listen to reason though, so what can I do? He seems well, and that's great, as a side note.
I wrote to essay-boy yesterday. It was the first time I have done so since arriving back in kamloops. I wrote it hopeful but not at all expecting a reply. He wrote me back today though, and that's so nice. I am so happy he's in my life. Such a valuable friend, ah yes. Hahaha, I'll write him tomorrow if I have the energy.
I have so much to say, but I have to go to sleep now . . . then I can wake up when my dolly gets home and spend at least an hour with him before trying to sleep again to wake up so early .. . blech!
current mood:  sleeping pill kicked in
current music: matt good - forget the title and too lazy to find out . . .
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| Tuesday, October 18th, 2005
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12:12 am - MY veritable dumping ground
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Just thought I'd emphasize that for . . . fun. haha, no, my journal was ferreted out and I figured if that was read it'd get a rise, tee hee. Only playing girl, if you're even reading.
So today was my first day of training and I was late .. . by an hour and a half! oops! Not exactly my fault though I'm not laying blame on anyone else. The alarm clock was shoved in between the couch cushions . . . by some one who will remain nameless . . . with the snooze button held down so it didn't go off until I reached over the warm body next to me and pulled it out to see how long I had been lying awake . . . RING RING RING . . . oh fuck! it's after seven, WTF??? haha, but my trainer was great about it, and laughed as I blamed it on my husband, so that's great. The first day has officially been filed away in my mind as the one to work out the kinks, so it's okay. I found a girl to carpool with now, and that's great as the buses don't run that early (have to be there for six am) and it's way way too far to walk. The taxi this morning was nearly twelve dollars! twelve dollars!! Who could possibly afford that? Geez. I only had enough money for one more taxi and that would have been tuesday morning's fare, but instead I was able to buy some food, a much better way to spend the eight dollars I did, and still have a few left over!
Hmm, what else? Oh, my father has neglected to reach me on my birthday this year. Not the bigest deal but it's surely unusual for him. Not only that but the last ocmmunication we had was writing snarky emails to each other this summer. I am very surprised as it's been almost two weeks since the day, and he's always always reached me. I'm upset, but more that anything I'm offended and disappointed that it only took a snarky email to put him off that much, but what can I do? To be honest, after being ignored, all I want form him is a birthday check. Fifty dollars could sure go a long way right now, a long long way. I have to be patient, or else suck it up and write to him, but that'll take a lot longer than two weeks. If I don't cave by then we'll see if he leaves me alone at christmas . . . yeah . . . meh.
Well my boy should be home anytime, and I'm going to fix myself a little something to munch on before he gets here . . . as I am plannig to try to rape him once he gets in the door . . . tee hee . . . then try to sleep some as I have to be up by five! gross . . .
current mood: tired, but chipper too
current music: cooking sounds drifting in from the kitchen RIGHT over there
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| Tuesday, October 4th, 2005
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11:21 pm - To be expected, I guess
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Unfortunately sheena was far far less than supportive when I told her . .. best friend that she is . . . yeah. Oh well. I got off the phone and thought to myself "meh, that doesn't take away form it one bit." It is sad for my relationship with her though, that even if she can't be supportive even if she doesn't understand . . . but oh well. We'll see how it goes . . .
Okay, want to go cuddle with . . . my husband! wheeee!
EDIT: I wimped out on calling my mother after that . .. I'll wait on it for a bit and see what I want to do and say.
current mood:  neutral, but well
current music: band recording . . . good band, poor recording
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5:54 pm - now the tricky part
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I am going to tell my mother that I've been married (that's what it is after all) but don't quite know how . . . umm . . . I'm going to call her after I call sheena, hopefully I'll be more prepared somehow after that . . . I think I'll do it tonight. Maybe right after I go pee . . . yeah, that sounds good.
And my father? well, he ncan just find out later like he does everything else in my life . . . let's see if he even tries to get a hold of me for my birthday first.
but mmmmm, this feels so good. It's perfect, with it's imperfections it's perfect.
current mood: peaceful
current music: shower . . . 'cause b's showering
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3:26 am - seering flesh
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I now have a medium to large sized brand on my chest . . . three seperate irons!! . .. so does btb . . .
The most intense experience of my life because of all the emotional weight it carried along with the severity of the pain.
Absolutely worth it . . . and the tears shed. Maybe somedoy I'll post a pic . . .
current mood: peaceful
current music: typing in the next room, and some one peeing
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| Sunday, October 2nd, 2005
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12:24 pm - wow, how sweet it is
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My mother came through for me in a really big way and because of her kindness I am now in kamloops . . . away from insanity, and right in the most welcoming arms, ever.
Btb and I talked, a lot last night, about everything to do with "us", whether we are a "we" or not, and all the whys. We talked about everything from kids to school to work to music to tattoos and all our crazy fucked up problems. We tlaked about it all and decided it's what we want. And once we made the commitment we both ecided there was no way out now . . . ever . . . haha. We both now have the full intention of making this a "for the rest of our lives", but without the white wedding that that implies. Oh god how good this feels!
Yeah, we're going to "seal the deal" somehow . . . maybe a with a brand, haha, that'd be great.
Okay, so my time is nearly up . . . gotta run before I get kicked off . . .
current mood: chipper
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| Friday, September 30th, 2005
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9:08 am - I thought I knew what disappointment was
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Today, already at roughly 9:00am, is one of the worst days ever.
I woke up nice and early, was in the LR office at prompty 7:30 only to find out they had no work today, and GINSENG IS CANCELLED. I felt nothing right after I was told. It took my walk home to fully sink in. I got in took off my hat and purse and started to sob. A tearless violent shaking that dropped me to the floor. I still can't cry, and that makes the cutlery drawer so much more appealing.
I had horrible dreams last night, a cannibal trying to feed me flesh while holding me captive in the most bizarre of circumstances, and my friend's mother (a woman I consider nearly family, but better) was unwilling to help me escape. I don't want to get into it though.
So, I'm rather fucking dejected, to say the least. I feel so alone, and so stupid. That's what I get for putting all my eggs in one basket, so to speak. It feels ominous, but I know that's not true, there's no meaning in it, it's jsut a string of bad events.
Now I'm going to beg btb to let me go up there without saving up and if I don't get that call centre job I'll leave there and come back here to save up before returning. I won't really beg, but I have to ask. I just can't go on like this. The nightmares are getting worse, and I'm simply not doing well at all.
I seriously don't know how long I can do this without completely losing my mind. How long I can keep it together, how long I can stay alfoat, how long I can keep fucking breathing while here . . . I want some one to come here and beat me, beat me so badly I lose consciousness . . . but please, please just keep on beating.
current mood: alone, and oh so lonely
current music: aimee mann - wise up
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| Thursday, September 29th, 2005
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4:09 pm - no sex no sex
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la la-la la-la la . . .
Btb and I decided that though we're still not officially in a "relationship", as in not committed, not in it for the long-haul just yet, we both want to have rules now. I like this development very much, it feels that much closer to coming to a place where we can decide to fully be together. That wouldn't make sense right now of course, not while we're living apart and interacting primarily through text.
( a little more )
Oh, and a sad thing that happened when talking about moving up there: Btb said he wasn't fully convinced I was coming. He can't find it in him to believe me fully, he's too scared of being let down. God that kills me. I haven't exactly shown him I want to be up there either, what with only working so little so far and now that he knows I was with some one else . . . I can only imagine how much that's helped convince him. But he's sure not shy about telling me just how much he wants me there . .. and it really seems like it's as much as I want to be there. How perfect. So tomorrow no matter how little sleep I get, I'll be in the labour ready office at seven thirty, hopefully they'll have some girly job like folding laundry for me . . .
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| Tuesday, September 27th, 2005
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3:34 pm - GRRRRR!!! RAGE!!!!
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I hate this fucking god damned city because of:
1. The idiots who drive around in thier mommy and daddy's bright yellow SUV who:
2. Blare the worst fucking music ever! wearing their hats sideways, and:
3. Shout lyrics at ME to one of those stupid fucking songs while I merely cross the street!! Something about "fuck you dyke blah blah blah fuck you DYKE!!!"
( more on that )
current mood: pissed right the fuck off
current music: the traffic of HWY 33
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12:22 am - even more boy rambling
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A few days ago btb and I were talking about my friend's suicidal talk and tendencies, and how that was scaring me. Then we talked about another of my friends' suicide, and then just about suicide in general. How the path of the down trodden has been so well, over trodden really. How we've both walked that path and can be so easily sucked down it when others are there. (Ah! So that's what he meant nearly a year ago when he said I reminded him of how he used to be, and that he couldn't be around me so much because of it . . . it finally makes sense now.) His perspective, his words, all of it was wonderfully uplifting and we were laughing by the end of the conversation, having seen the folly in it; having seen the folly in life and death and the quest for both. And on and on. I ended up crawling right up on him in an easy chair and staying curled up there for a while that night, and wasn't sure how that was going to affect me, or anything else . . . I'm going to miss spending time with him when I'm no longer in this city, but indulgingg in his friendship will make the time while ginseng harvesting go by faster, not while actually working, but I mean the time between now and moving to kloops.
So, he came with me to btb's show last night. He and a friend of his. It was hialrious, his friend was hitting on me some, which though a compliment for sure, could have made for a rather weird dynamic, but it wasn't awkward, and that was perfect, obviously. It was great hanging out with btb and essay-boy together. I was curious how they interacted, and now I know. I wasn't sure how I was going to divide my attention, but while the night went on I didn't even think about it. I was in the moment, and that rarely happens. I'm always thinking in advance, it's exhausting, but it was so simple. It was so simple, and so good. They are really cute together, and I love love love it when people I like as much as both of them individually also like each other so much too. So much love going around.
The show was fun, didn't sound the best as the band didn't have feedback monitors and it was so brightly lit as it was a sports bar, eww, but still one got a feel for the sound, style, and maybe even the potential the show could have had . . . maybe. Princess, btb's most recent ex, was there and she was so nice to me. I mean SO nice. Offered to buy me a drink, gave me a hug as a greeting and in parting, sat right next to me as often as not though she had multiple friends there, etc. Even saying "it was awesome to see you again." when I was leaving. I really can't tell if she likes me or fucking hates me. Btb has said that she likes to "kill people with kindness" and that's not hard for me to believe. I can't figure her out, but I suppose I don't have to.
Btb was going to stay at a bandmate's place but decided to impose upon essay-boy instead. It turned out that wasn't really going to work out so well. Btb got sleepy first and had to go crash in the backseat of essay-boy's car. A VW jetta, very small for anyone much less a boy over six feet tall! The three of us left hung out some more, and then essay-boy's friend (who's staying at the house) went to bed. So, essay-boy went to fetch btb some blankets and a pillow and I snatched them from him upon his return so that I might do the tucking in, to essay-boy's chagrin "I wanted to tuck him in." Aww, how fucking cute is that?
I was going to return and talk more with essay-boy as he and I were both wide awake, but ended up curling up with btb . . . yeah, that's right, we shared the oh so small backseat! How we managed I still don't really know. I love it though; that we both wanted to sleep next to each other enough to put up with the discomfort and cold. And it was sure cold! He didn't sleep much, (the discomfort, cold, and my insomnia to deal with, no wonder!) and I didn't at all. We got up and left at seven to go get some coffee. He caught the bus to go far far away (back home) a few minutes after eight. It was sad, and I didn't want him to go. I tried to convince him not to, but it was a fruitless battle and I knew it before I started it. Had to try though, and it would have been swell had I won! It was great to see him again, but it makes me feel more lonely now. It would have almost been better no to see him for that reason, but only almost.
My sleeping pill is kicking in I think . . . I hate these fucking things . . .
current mood:  rambly
current music: aimee mann - wise up (makes me want to die)
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| Sunday, September 25th, 2005
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1:01 am - more boy rambling
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That's all I seem to have to talk about lately, hopefully that'll change soon enough. Maybe once I'm settled in a town, which ever one that ends up being. I don't want to lose myself in this nonsense. Having said that, the following is my next addition in my boy talk series.
So, btb is coming for a show tomorrow evening, or this evening if you want to be picky about it. Either way, I'm excited to see him, yes I am. Essay-boy and I are going to go together to watch, and that's sure funny. It's been a while since they've seen each other, btb and essay-boy that is, so it'll be a nice little reunion I'm sure. I'll want to leave them alone so thay can talk and whatnot but btb is here for such a short time I might just be selfish and not do that, we'll have to see. Now that I think about it, that would leave them opportunity to talk about yours truly, and that's scary indeed!
I fixed up a pair of old old boots tonight so that I can wear my kilt tomorrow, if I feel like it then. I am now a veritable shoemaker. I want to look nice and hot! haha. As fucking usual, god damn it!! haha, kidding of course.
Anyway, I may have more to say about this after the show, it could get rather funny indeed. At least now I know that I won't be making googly eyes at them both . .. nope, they're reserved for btb right now, haha. Too funny. (maybe)
Going to take a sleeping pill and drift off, I hope . .. god damn it I hate them.
current mood: tired, as usual
current music: a damn commercial, fucking television
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| Thursday, September 22nd, 2005
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1:52 am - my refuge has been
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taken away . . .
I've been staying on essay-boy's couch the last few nights, but his moma (yes, he lives at his mother's house) asked me very kindly earlier today if I had anywhere else to stay as her place has been a zoo of people as of late. A totally fair request that I understand completely, I just don't want to, waaa!! haha. I'm back at sa's, and it's going well, and that's nice. Tomorrow I'll sort through my stuff that's here and make a big big pile to give away, or burn! but either way must get rid of so much junk. I can't be this transient and have so much stuff, it's ridiculous.
Had a really good talk with btb today too. ( in detail, and I mean a lot of detail )
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| Monday, September 19th, 2005
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2:43 am - good advice not taken, I hope not.
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Despite some sane advice in my madness I indulged myself and now have the consequences to reap. So far there are none, and I hope that's how it stays, however that doesn't often happen.
( in detail )
current mood: satisfied
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| Saturday, September 17th, 2005
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12:16 pm - last evening's conclusions
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So the train has brought me back to where I thought one track could never lead. Having left the last rest stop I can more easily see the effort required in staying afloat on a bog of pain, of sorrow, and one of united isolation. I see this because I see it here also. My surprise is misplaced.
( meaning )
Unlike my bones I do not think I am ultimately better off alone. My mind would have me believe it is not better off but cannot help pushing people away. My heart, my core, my self, wants nothing more than an object to crave. Not just any object, and one that I can crave forever.
( meaning )
Cutting the lines of a safety net is far easier once identified as such, though no less frightening. Knowing I can return to the illusion of a home is comforting, even when the suggestion of doing so is infuriating.
( meaning )
work plan 1:
If I can get a tent, or if he can, essay-boy and I are going to go camp on an apple orchard and pick pick pick our little hearts out.
( more on that )
work plan 2:
To harvest ginseng for eight hours a day, getting paid for ten because of travel (which is provided).
( more, agian )
potential third plan:
Though this is still rather hypothetical, I have been emailing back and forth with a woman in kamloops about a job there. Starting at $11/hr. Not something I'd like to do forever, it's in an inbound call centre helping people with internet problems. It would be fun to have a job where I sit on my ass and get paid decently for a change! And though it's rather frustrating dealing with people, it could prove funny/even maybe fun too. So, hopefully that will pan out.
Now to email murm about a tent . . . oh please let her be happily willing to lend it to me . . . and let essay-boy not back out of our tentative plan. (or maybe it would be better if he did in the long run, but fuck that, you have to live, you know?)
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| Monday, September 12th, 2005
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6:04 pm - A home of bone and tattooed flesh
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Today was one of the worst days.
I was in a horrid mood and trying not to be, though completely tolerated despite my darkened demeanor. Not only tolerated but still wanted as company, so really that should be a good thing. Still feels bad though. So much insecurity in my head. No rules, no commitment, that's the difference right now, and that's all. I can do that, though I'd like it better with no rules and a commitment. While away I'll wonder what rules, if the traditional ones were in place, are being broken. It makes me want to break them myself, just in case they are from the other end. How silly really.
I still don't feel like I'm really coming back. I think that's because people go away, always, they go away. So why would this be any different? That's what my insecurities say. I told him that today; a big part of the reason I'm feeling so insecure is that people always go away from me so it's hard to believe he won't. We were lying together when that was said, and he took my hand, squeezing it and saying "I won't ditch you . . . (pause...) I promise." Then he squeezed again. Perfect, perfect, perfect response. Almost made me cry because it was exactly what I needed and wanted to hear. That should make me feel good too. But I'm blah again.
( that reminds me )
By the time we split for the evening (work does that) we had been lying together and talking for a while, as I mentioned, and I even fell asleep for a few minutes. When I woke my spirits were high, it was lovely. I crawled off the couch and playfully curled up again in a new position. I was my old self indeed.
Went out for a bit and by the time I returned my mood had also returned back to sour, and that is currently where I sit. In vinegar, and alone. I was at the coffee shop trying to write, eat cookies, and of course, smoke and drink my coffee. Trying is the operative word as the most annoying girl was there, being loud and flamboyant and impossible to ignore. I ended up leaving FAR earlier than I was ready to, and bitterly at that. Her name is amber, ambrosia is either the long form or just a nickname. I won't forget it, or her, or my growing desire to stab her in the face. I've seen her around, it's a small town after all, and before she was funny, to laugh at of course, but today . . . today I wanted her to choke and die, right there in front of me so I could once again laugh at her. Yeah, that's right. I mean every word. I want her to die in front of me, slowly, and frightened. So what?
I'm too long winded, I need a nap, that may just solve all of my problems . . . I wish.
current mood: down so low...
current music: soundtrack of super mario brothers oozing from the bedroom
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| Sunday, September 11th, 2005
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10:04 am - plans unchanged
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Tried to resist posting as most things I have to say are redundant, but simply cannot. Too funny.
After talking a couple more times about leaving and coming back, and obligations, and dating, and all of that, I feel really good about btb. Not too many negative thoughts floating around my head now, and that is a welcome change for the better! Nothing is different really, but I guess I've heard enough times now that he wants me to return that I believe it. Not only that, but that he's not going to find some girl to fall for while I'm gone. I really had a hard time believing that one, but I'm pretty sure I do, though one can never be certain about those kinds of things.
( cute or gag worthy, you decide )
I'm a little excited to go away and then come back to live here. REunions are always fun, but that's not why. It'll be nice to set up a life here . . . and not just be a puppy dog. I'm SO NOT just a puppy dog right now, but more so than I will be when I get a job and all of that. Rent will be SO cheap, much much cheaper than when I was in van, and that's awesome. I'll get a membership to the Y here right away so I can go to the gym and the pool, and that'll give me something to do other than sit around and wait for btb also. I'm really going to make sure that I keep some of myself for myself this time around, if it comes to that. I am probably going to join a class of some sort or take lessons of some sort, maybe I'll see what the Y has to offer. It's so close to walk to, it's awesome. I've never been able to before because of living expenses, but rent will be under one fifty!! Then there's bills, but they'll be split four ways, so at most altogether it'll cost 200 to live. Another 100 - 150 for food and smokes (that's being generous as my food costs nearly nothing) and there you have it. Living, and well, for 350 after food and bills!! Wow! Now to find a job in ktown to save up and actaully get back here so I can start this! But first . . . a nap, hopefully to dream up how wonderfully this will all work out.
Big plans . . . now let's all watch them fall through together . . . they always do, after all . . .
current mood: sleepy
current music: humming - this apartment isn't forever!
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| Thursday, September 8th, 2005
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3:20 pm - leaving the loops
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I'll be leaving soon, rather soon to go back to kelowna to make some money and come back here. Still in limbo stage with all things surrounding this place and hte people in it but at least now I have a plan to come back. We'll see how it goes when I'm gone maybe btb will decide he doesn't want me to return after all, and maybe, though not bloody likely, I'll not want to come back. Stranger things have happened I suppose, but in truth I'd rather just not leave at all. Get my stuff mailed, everything but the big things anyway, and then get that stuff when I go back to van next, hmm . . . writing brings new ideas to my brain . .. new ideas I like. Must talk again, haha. Today, unlike yesterday/early last night things are easy. I still think too muich about stuff, but I like it when things are easy . . . and good . .. so good.
Must stop writing as btb will return any moment and wonder why i don't want him to read over my shoulder. haha.
current mood:  thoughtful
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| Tuesday, September 6th, 2005
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3:24 am - went skating
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Well, I didn't skate but hung out at the skate park. We lit fires, tee hee, and I took pictures as the boys skated over the burning cardboard, nearly a whole roll of film, hmmm . . . hopefully they'll turn out okay, but there's no telling with my crummy camera. It was a pile of fun though, absolutely.
B ended up getting sick, again, and it's so hard to deal with. She's totally rad and all, but it's such a trigger for me . . . and also in another way it's a reverse trigger, which is totally good. But it's stress, stress I don't want at all, and she does so much of it to herself. Ah well, it's not my cross to bear, so I won't bear it, easy as that.
I wrote btb an email today, telling him something sweet, a rather profound sweet thing at that, and before he checked it (I don't know if he has even yet), but right after I sent it, he barked a sort of mean comment to me. It was funny really, but it could have been totally harsh if I wanted to take it that way. I know what he did and didn't mean, but it makes me regret my sweetness, though only in a spiteful way, and that never lasts. I like that I'm honest with him, totally so, and I'd rather that than be spiteful, that's for damn sure!! And I like that I'm sweet too. It was different than the usual sweetness of "oh, you're so cute, blah blah make me gag", and perhaps tomorrow I'll type it all out, but not tonight . . .
Now I get to listen to him play acoustic and sing some more, but this time quietly since it's late . . .
current mood: calm
current music: guitar playing - tragic at times
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salaam_dimentia's journal